Last Testament

We human beings do not kill ourselves so easily over a single incident. I am killing myself in order to settle the total account of my life up to this point. Even so, among all those things, the major event was the sin I committed with Lady Hideo when I was twenty-nine. I do not feel remorse for having committed that sin. What I do regret, not a little, is that because I failed to choose my partner wisely (Lady Hideo's selfishness and animal instinct were truly extreme), it worked to my disadvantage in life. Moreover, Lady Hideo was not the only woman with whom I fell into a love affair. But after turning thirty, I never took a new mistress. This was not because of morality. It was simply because I calculated the advantages and disadvantages of keeping a mistress. (That does not mean I felt no love. At that time I wrote lyric poems such as "Passing By" and "Mutual Longing," and withdrew before becoming too deeply involved.) Of course I do not want to die. But living is painful too. Others may laugh at a fool who kills himself despite having parents, a wife, and children. Yet if I were alone, perhaps I would not kill myself. I was raised in an adoptive family, and I never voiced selfish demands of the kind people call selfishness. (Or rather, I could not. I even regret this "something like filial devotion" toward my adoptive parents. But there was nothing I could do about it.) If I kill myself now, it may be the one selfish act of my entire life. Like every young man, I too once had many dreams. But looking back on them now, in the end they were probably only the dreams of a madman's son. At present I feel disgust not only toward myself, but toward everything.

Ryunosuke Akutagawa

P.S. Taking my trip to China as an opportunity, I finally escaped Lady Hideo's grasp. (I remember reading Strindberg's A Madman's Defence in an inn at Luoyang and smiling bitterly when I learned that he too had written about his mistress just as I had.) Since then I have not touched her with so much as a finger. But I was always troubled by the persistence with which she pursued me. I feel heartfelt gratitude toward the goddesses who loved me without causing me suffering. (By "goddesses," I do mean more than one woman. I am not quite such a Don Juan.)

To my children

1. Never forget that human life is a battle that leads to death.

2. Therefore do not rely on your own strength. Make it your aim to cultivate your strength.

3. Think of Ryuichi Kogana as your father. Accordingly, you should follow Kogana's instruction.

4. If you are defeated in this battle of life, then kill yourselves as your father did. But avoid, as your father did not, bringing misfortune upon others.

5. Though the vast will of Heaven is hard to know, do your best not to depend on your family, and cast aside your desires. That, in turn, is the road that will bring you peace in later years.

6. Have compassion for your mother. But do not bend your will for the sake of that compassion. This too will, in the end, make your mother happier in years to come.

7. None of you will be able to escape being high-strung as your father was. Pay special attention to that fact.

8. Your father loves you. (If I did not love you, I might have abandoned you and never looked back. If I had been able to abandon you and never look back, there might still have been some way for me to go on living.)

Ryunosuke Akutagawa

Addressed to Fumiko Akutagawa

Postscript. This last testament is to be shown by Fumiko, after my death, to the three gentlemen. Also, once the conditions written above have been carried out, do not forget to burn it.

Second postscript. Fearing that Shinchosha may possibly raise an objection, I intend to write out item 4 on a separate sheet and enclose it.

4. The publication rights to my works (if anyone should publish them) are to be assigned to Mr. Shigeo Iwanami. (I cancel my contract with Shinchosha.) Because I love Master Natsume, I wish to share the same publisher as he did. However, this is on the condition that Mr. Ryuichi Kogana be troubled to do the book design. (If Mr. Iwanami does not consent, then no works other than those already published in book form are to be issued by any publisher whatsoever.) Naturally, matters such as the schedule of publication are to be left entirely to Mr. Iwanami. On this question as well, much will depend on Mr. Taniguchi's efforts.

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1. Any attempt to keep me alive is absolutely unnecessary.

2. After my death, notify Kogana at once. Before my death, there is a danger of causing Kogana distress and stirring up public commotion.

3. Until I die, tell visitors that it is "a touch of the heat."

4. Consult Dr. Shimojima, and whether it is treated as suicide or death by illness is of no consequence. If it is decided to call it suicide, then give the letter (addressed to Kikuchi) to Kikuchi. Otherwise, burn and discard it. As for the other letter (addressed to Fumiko), it should be read in any case, and you should follow my wishes as far as possible.

5. Among my effects, Kogana is to be given Hohei's orchid. Also, Yoshitoshi is to be given the pine-pattern inkstone (the small inkstone).

6. Burn this letter immediately.

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1. Things I have lent to others: Mr. Tsuruta has the twelve volumes of Arabian Nights.

2. Things I have borrowed from others: one volume, Formosa (Taiwan), from the Toyo Bunko; several issues of Choon from Mr. Jinfo Katsumine; several seals from Dr. Shimojima; two seals from Muroo. (The seals should be identified by those who have them.)

3. Mr. Okimoto should be asked to make a seal album. It would also be fine to add a collection of haiku to my memorial observances and distribute it.

4. The inscription on the stone monument must by all means be entrusted to Kogana.

5. Do not forget the feeling in my heart that asks forgiveness of all people and seeks to forgive all people.